Sabs' Crap-Comedy

Dramaless Doldrums

I am bored.

Well, let me clarify: There is no drama in my life. And you’d think that’d be a good thing, but really it’s more of an inconvenience than anything else. Drama is fun. No, shut up, don’t argue, I’m right. I’m always right. I know you think you disagree but trust me, you don’t.

A little bit of drama, of suspense, is entertaining. Imagine going through life with no one and nothing to blame all your shit on. You can’t, but, alas such is my life. So, I got a dog. And it’s been 5 months and she’s still alive and well, which is a goddamn miracle. She is my source of day to day entertainment, mostly because I willfully decided to stop dating last semester. Yes, I said “willfully.” I, in fact, consented to celibacy, kind of. It was not something that just happened because I’ve forgotten how to flirt…

The most amount of drama I get in my life is the nailbiting experience of starting a conversation with my mother about measuring penis length from afar. It wasn’t that dramatic, it was more like an instructive session: “Hands, feet, and nose, Nena, that’s how you can tell.” I at least expected a reaction, but my parents are immune to all my bullshit.

Of course, my mother would be the lady to talk about these things with: She’s been married a lot, and I put my trust in the experts. Oh, that’s terrible. I’m sorry, Mom, you are not a penis expert, that makes you sound dirty… Just to clarify, yes, my mom is a MILF but she is not easy. Believe me, believe her ex-husbands.

And I know you’re thinking that it must be so cool to have that type of relationship with your mother. And it is. But it’s also hard. My mother has never been single, not for a hot minute. She’s the type of woman who breaks up with a man only to discover that there’s a long line of suitors awaiting her singlehood, hence the multiple marriages. It’s tough to compete, to follow in her enchanting example, when I am a complete klutz when it comes to the opposite sex.

Some girls have mastered the art of seduction: the smoldering look, the sassy sway, the right timing. Me? I get friend-zoned a lot more than I should. It’s not that I’m unattractive: I think the problem is my mouth. I open it and, the next thing I know, the guy I’m flirting with tosses me a “Bro, that’s sick!” I self-imposed celibacy hoping to improve that, giving it time and space, but, in this case, I think practice makes perfect.

So, I’m trying online dating… Again. So far, no dick pics. I’m very impressed with the selection of men Hinge has to offer. They’re not all my type, but at least they disguise their sleaziness.

Which leads me to my last point: I’m having trouble choosing topics for these posts. I have thought of a few, but I would love your guys’ input as to what you want to read about next. Feel free to DM me on my personal Instagram with your top choice!

IG: @sabsgam

Topics:

  1. Online dating & chatting tips for men, coming from the perspective of yours truly.
  2. My adventures selling stuff on Craigslist, getting robbed through Craigslist, and all the things you can do to avoid that.
  3. What it’s like to be both a student and a dog mom: A special post dedicated to my dog, Truman (Yes, with pictures too).

2 thoughts on “Dramaless Doldrums”

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