Sabs' Crap-Comedy

The Choker Trenches

We’ve all seen a lot of trends come and go: Uggs, Tory Burch Flats, Juicy tracksuits, flipped collars, hipster hats, and so on. The new one? The choker. I’m not going to lie, I actually love this trend. It’s almost as if an entire generation were tacitly accepting they’re into some super kinky shit.

The other night, at the type of club I would deny ever stepping foot in, I saw the choker, not once, not twice, but holy fucking shit, not to exaggerate, but I’m pretty sure 80% of the girls there had one. Look, it might just be me, but I find chokers to look pretty sexual, but, then again, my mind goes to strange places. That’s why I find it so bizarre to see the most religious girls from my high school wearing them. And that’s when my mind goes to those strange places… Guys, it’s true what they say about Catholic-school girls.

Here’s the thing with all the latest hipster trends: they aren’t exclusively for hipsters anymore. You don’t have to brag about not owning a microwave in order to rock the fake specs. I’m not bashing on the hipster trends, believe me, I love the hipsters. They’re refreshingly… Copied. How is it that a small, ridiculed social movement can now be observed in the hidden corners of the world? Of course, the “real” hipsters probably argue that the rest of us are “posers” that are just “conforming” to a certain “standard”. But damn, bae, I look supah fine in a choker. Then again, most girls think the same thing, when really the choker only separates their neck fat into two forms, instead of just the one. Which brings me to the life-altering question: Is neck fat a liquid or a solid?

Well, at least how I see it, the choker can function as a family emblem. You have your black velvets, thick and thin (both the necklace and the girls), that wear it with subtle club clothes and brag about their vacations in St. Bart’s, over music and drinks that aren’t as chic as they think they are. There’s the single string persuasion, girls that are too “original” to actually buy one, but not crafty enough to come up with a better idea. Also in stock, you’ll find the typical 90s plastic, black choker on some, which basically says you like blow jobs like you like ice cream, unless you’re lactose intolerant, but that just means you can’t eat foreskin, oops, I meant dairy.

The list could go on and on and on and on, but the point of this post isn’t the actual list; the point is… What was my point? Right, my point was that it’s basically like wearing a sports jersey for a specific team. My team today? Holla at me, all you basic bitches out there (reminder: all my basic bitches love me, all my basic bitches love me): I’m wearing a black velvet choker. Your team has got your back regardless of your beliefs; it’s all in the choker and I can prove it: for example, girls will blindly support a presidential candidate just because she shares their sex, and then, after they’ve made that completely arbitrary decision, that’s when they come up with these ingenious (mediocre) arguments (excuses) to defend their position (no, this does not mean I automatically hate the Mexican Wetbacks: I might’ve been one).

And thus, we arrive at the actual point of the post: Girls are at war. With whom? They have no fucking clue. Sometimes it’s with themselves, sometimes it’s with each other, sometimes it’s with their parents, sometimes it’s with men. But, the truth is, girls are most usually pissed about something, even when they don’t realize they are. It’s just a matter of saying the correct thing to trigger them. Whether it’s the wage gap, slut shaming, a patriarchal society, or, really, anything remotely (I repeat, REMOTELY) insulting, we’re always ready to retaliate with something extremely bitchy; and we might not even be the only ones…



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