Sabs' Crap-Comedy

Please, Oh Please, Make Me a Lesbian


Let’s play a game…

It’s called Trap the Man.

Ready? Set… Go!

This is what it feels like to date in 2016 (or if you’re an Instagram douche: 2k16, for your enjoyment only). 

Look, even if most girls don’t accept it, we cannot deny that we use games and tactics in order to “get” the guy (or, you know, castrate him emotionally until he becomes a slightly more feminine version of Theon Greyjoy). Oh, what? You’re going to tell me that you don’t? So, you’ve never purposely answered his text hours after receiving it? You’ve never played hard to get, even a little? You’ve never sent him a snapchat that you retook over five times? You’ve never given intriguing answers (or outright lies) to simple questions?

Example A: “What are you doing today?” “I don’t know. I’ll probably hit the gym later.” So then you’re thinking that he’s thinking: “Wow. She must get all hot and sweaty. That’s probably why she’s so fit!”

Example B: “What are you doing today?” “I think I might go paintballing with my brother.” So then you’re thinking that he’s thinking: “Oh, she likes doing guy things too! We have so much in common! Let’s fall in love and have thousands of babies!” 

Example C: “What are you doing today?” “You.” If you do this, then I have only one thing to say to you: props. 

Here’s a tip, guys: Women lie. If she says she’s going to the gym, she’s probably binge watching Orange is the New Black. If she says she’s going paintballing with her brother, she’s probably sipping wine before noon with a friend on a Thursday. If she sends you a snap that says something like “I woke up like this” or “No make up”, and half covers her face, here’s what she did:

Step 1: She looked at herself in the camera and basically screamed.

Step 2: She put her hair in place and tried fifteen different styles of duck faces.

Step 3: Once she realized that she still looked terrible, she went through all of the filters and decided on none of them.

Step 4: She walked around the entire room looking for the best light at different angles.

Step 5: She lifted the phone slightly above her face and tilted it down, as to make her look longer and leaner, because #bodysecurity is a myth the media has been pushing ever since girls starting sticking random objects down their throats.

Step 6: She finally took a picture, only to analyze it for ten minutes and go through the entire process again, until she waved the white flag and sent you one.

I have a theory: If guys would just take a minute to care about the person surrounding the vagina they’re trying to stick it into, they might have the chance to find out that person used to be a dude six months ago. No seriously, if guys took just a second to realize that we’re human beings and not just entities resembling a papaya holed down the center (some guy actually did this, I kid you not), girls might not feel the need to try to trap them. Yet, maybe it’s not completely fair to blame guys and their incomprehensible sexual urges.

What’s the solution to this conundrum? I have no idea. 42.

Honestly, I’m inclined to think that I don’t want to be in a relationship in which the other party feels “trapped” or deceived. That can’t be love: it’s submission. These schemes and plots we use have become so natural and automatic to us that it’s hard to even imagine having an utterly real conversation with someone we’re interested in. The whole charade is just so exhausting for me, though I’m pretty sure a lot of women actually enjoy the process of man-getting.

Maybe if I rub a lamp hard enough a genie will come out of it and grant me my one and only wish: make me a lesbian.


For further information on how to trap men visit these websites I found on the first try (or google “how to trap a man”):

P.S. If you received my snapchat referring you to this website, I, indeed, followed the six steps on snapchat-taking listed above while trying to hold my dog still. #skillz


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